Wenric’s Waivers and Warranties: Rare audio discovered!

I missed last week’s update because I became distracted. So I will be updating the blog twice this week to make up for it. First, as payment for my sins, I thought I would ‘treat’ you to a recording of a terrible accent I did for a recent game.

A selection of Funkos in front of a DM screen, along with a map of Waterdeep, a spellbook, and some potion bottles
Warning: Contains neither dungeons nor dragons.

Like many storytellers or DMs, I have a collection of terrible accents I use during games. Although I try my best to be as accurate as possible, it is not always easy to get it right. (But I figure that as long as I am mangling an accent that belongs to another white person, I am still vaguely okay.) It can be a fun way to lighten the mood, if you’re careful about the accents you choose. (No blackface, thanks. It suck, even in spoken form. It’s never a good look.)

Once I decided to use Wenric Loudbottle as an NPC in one of my own games, I realised that he would probably need some kind of legal disclaimer. (See the previous post about dearly beloved WL.) After all, adventurers are a predictable bunch, and fantasy capitalism being what it is, every shop in a fantasy setting really needs a legal disclaimer.

However, Wenric would probably get tired of repeating the same disclaimer for every new customer. He would probably have memorised this little litany and repeated it quite often. So I could imagine that his husband would eventually give him the world’s best anniversary present – a nifty way to prerecord the required waivers and disclaimers. (Technically, in this case, a permanent Magic Mouth spell cast on each statue. The queue for the first is when it is hit by a sweet, and each following one begins speaking a second or so after the previous, etc.)

The idea was to play the sound file in the relevant part of the session, buuuuut technical difficulties got in the way. Nonetheless, I have it now, and I can always reuse it in further sessions. (Apologies for the poor sound quality. Magic isn’t what it used to be.)

Have at it!

At some point, Wenric’s customers may notice nine dragon heads arranged around the entrance, looking over the contents of the shop. These heads are sculpted from clay, but painted in various colours: clockwise, brass, copper, black, blue, bronze, green, red, silver, and gold, like the nine types of dragons known in the realms. Wenric had each head enchanted with a permanent Magic Mouth spell.

If any of the player characters ask him about them, or remarks on them, Wenric will reveal their secret early. Otherwise, he waits until they are about to leave, with or without a map. He may blush a little before he does so, but he is very proud of this little trick.

As the PCs leave, Wenric pipes up. “Now, before you go, and I really am sorry about this… ” He then throws a sweet from the jar on the counter at the brass dragon statue beside the door, which starts to speak in the halfling’s voice, and says:

“Please note and do not be alarmed! All cartography bought or sold on these premises sourced from or hand-drawn by adventurers, who may or may…”

At this point, the brass head stops speaking. After the briefest pause, the copper head continues.

“…not be Trained or Registered Map-Makers in Good Standing with the official Cartographer’s Guild (Faerun). May contain inaccuracies, false trials, and missing rooms. Secret doors …”

The copper head stops, and the next continues – and on it goes.

“…and traps not indicated, unless they are. All maps bought and used at buyer’s own risk. Proprietor shall not be held liable for any …
“loss of limb, life, or livelihood; nor for any errors, omissions, erasures, and false trails present in the unaltered maps; nor for the…
“presence or absence of physical treasure or presence of monsters, abominations, constructs, animated objects, oozes, aberrations, sentient plants, fiends, giants, pits, traps, or other hazards.

“No refunds or exchanges, unless accompanied by a story, lasting no less than an hour, to be told over a steaming cup of cocoa…
“or mug of ale provided at the proprietor’s expense and to be enjoyed at the premises of All They Survey, to precede any expected…
“exchange or refund.

“Thank you for shopping at All They Survey. Please do come again!”